Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
