You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
