I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
