Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
