i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
