the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
