I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize