just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
