after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
