oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize