I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
