He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
