some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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