Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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