somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize