I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
