first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
