so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I didn't notice because vodka
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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