my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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