She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I look better un-naked...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
