I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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