If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've blown a few things in my day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
