You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
