I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
