I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
