I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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