well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
