I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize