I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i will never coherently bang her
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
