You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
