he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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