We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
