I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Is this like a preordered booty call?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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