She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
