I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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