He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
