the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize