If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize