I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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