thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I lost the right to judge tonight
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
