If that was your dad, he is hot
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
