Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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