Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
