a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
