my phone needs a breathalizer
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
