Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
