I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
