btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
