Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
