hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize