We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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