So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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