Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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