I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize