Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
