I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
