There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
