K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
