I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize