I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish life had little blips of pornography
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
