Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
