did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
