I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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