matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also, beer. Big fan.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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