i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize