i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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