At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
