new low.... made out with someone while peeing
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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