TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
