I can tuck mytits in my pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
