well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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