So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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