Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
