If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
